Second Trimester and other transformations..

I have been really humbled lately. It could be this pregnancy. It could be that God is using this pregnancy to open my eyes and reveal some areas that need some work in relegating control. He seems to be able to get my attention when pregnant, because, suddenly, my body is not about me. I find this uneven ground and to get my footing means to be honest. I am a put my head in the sand kind of girl; honesty is difficult. I am six months pregnant with my third baby and just beginning to voice aloud that being pregnant may not be an easy thing for my body. What makes this especially complex is that each pregnancy had a different issue attached; endometriosis, cervical cancer, fluid in my kidneys. As I look at that typed list, I want to close my eyes, rebel, not believe those words describe my body. I am used to pushing myself to get the results I expect. I am used to my accomplishments being mine. God filters through all of my life, but here is an area that I am not in need, here is an area that I can handle. Hard, efficient, physical work = good, measurable results so that I can focus on the more cerebral growth that I am sure God has for me. (this private place in my thoughts is now where I am hearing the record scratch) My body has not been dependable. Well, that depends on my perspective of what my body is designed to do. I am growing a healthy baby, and doing that well. I have felt the walls crumbling around my safe haven of pride for 5 months, but last night, they crashed down. I am sitting in rubble and finally feeling free. Freedom is a surprise and a relief. God has my attention, I see my pride for what it is, I am ready to be honest. I have found it hard to ask for prayer in the areas I need it most; submission to God, obedience to God, prideful battles, turning to silence and my own thoughts. I have felt myself battling the beauty and blessings God has given me. I am reminded of the woman in proverbs who tears down her own house, I believe she's called a fool. Am I really that desperate for control? I am also reminded of Paul when he curses his flesh for desiring the sinful nature over the purity in his heart. Yesterday I determined, I absolutely determined and willfully decided to fight for the outcome I believed was best for our family. Despite and maybe a little in spite of the fear of an upcoming hospital stay for me, I was going to get ahead on my chores, meal preparations and so forth and we were going as a family to growth group at church last evening. But, on our way....disaster struck. Scott got a bloody nose, a bloody nose that just wouldn't stop bleeding. He admitted this was his third for the day, and he'd had just as many a day for several weeks. I knew he was frustrated with his bloody noses, but I had no idea they'd been so frequent. I felt really alarmed. We elected to call my mom and have her babysit so we could go to urgent care. Thankfully, there was hardly any wait at urgent care and the doctor cauterized his ruptured blood vessel and gave him an antibiotic attributing his current bleeding to allergies and an untreated sinus infection. This was such a relief. We followed this up with the laundromat as our washing maching stopped mid-cycle earlier in the day, leaving blankets 40 pounds too heavy and soaked. As we waited for the washing and drying we held hands and talked. There were a couple of intense moments where we either needed to laugh or cry, or some of both. We actually did laugh and ended up enjoying our 'date night'. The intensity of our last few months lifted for a little while in the most unexpected of places. When we got back home, amazingly refreshed, I found the most beautiful flowers waiting for me. God's arms wrapped around me yesterday, as hard as I've fought to get away I ended the night submitting completely to the love waiting for me. Ready to admit my own failures, weaknesses and struggles and find hope in the only Source truly able to change me. I want to walk in the path God has set before me.