30 days of gratefulness***Day 30

(My numbered days of gratefulness may leave some holes but I tried to be true to the date, I will fill in, in other months..)

***Today I am grateful for the way November leads us to the advent season we embark on tomorrow...a path straight to the Savior in the manger. I have no design on how we will mark each day but am determined to stay focused, have fun and live each of the 25 days with the mindset that Christ is coming.

***I am grateful for each marker that announces 'Christmas Season': pine scented soap and candles, Christmas music, twinkly lights, Christmas trees and unloading the ornaments that I treasure, hot chocolate, building traditions within our family.

***I am grateful for the foresight Scott and I had last year. We carefully packaged and sealed all of our decorations, and despite the flood in our basement last winter, everything was intact for this year. We also invested a little bit of money after the holiday season on seasonal items that were on a big discount. How fun to pull brand new (and totally forgotten) purchases out of boxes and give them a home! One discovery were our new stocking holders. There are 5 letters, each holds a stocking and it sits securely on our mantel. I vaguely remember picking the letters up last year at Target, it was in a frenzy and I barely cared what the letters spelled so long as there were 5 (four of us plus one dog stocking ;) ) and the price was under $5. I chose PEACE. As we arranged the letters on the mantel, I took a step back to look, I was staggered by the boldness. Peace? Am I offering it or declaring it? I thought a lot about peace last night and throughout this day as the statement was unavoidable. What does peace look like, what does peace look like in my home? As I did my bible study this week, I felt bombarded by the word, the sentiment. In the last chapters of John, when Jesus appears in His resurrection body, everywhere He appears He declares, "Peace be with you." In fact, in chapter 20, He says it three times. This really got me thinking. Jesus comes back after He has been crucified and the first thing He tells His disciples is to have peace. This sentiment is followed by the Great Commission. Could it be that Jesus knew the disciples would need His peace to share His message? He knew what was ahead of them, He knows what is ahead of all of us, He knows what we need. The peace Jesus offers has its source in Him, His peace is a comfort, it is free and it is a choice. I often decorate around a theme-word. I love words and all that the right word can evoke. Last night, this word didn't feel like one I would choose, I felt unworthy to touch this word. I spent time thinking about the things that evoke peace to me. I rearranged decorations and angled chairs differently, the room was neat and clean, free of clutter and smelled yummy. But it wasn't right, with one irritated look, the concept could crumble. Irritation isn't peaceful. I tried so hard to manufacture peace in my living room...then I got it. I can't create peace or produce an atmosphere that leads others into peace, not exactly. Only Jesus can do that. But, I will boldly proclaim His peace in my living room this season and allow the word to be a reminder to me of Who is peace, Who died for me to be able to experience true peace. I pray this season brings recognition of His peace deep in our hearts so that my family and I are emboldened to feed His lambs, take care of His sheep and feed His sheep. (John ch.21)

30 days of gratefulness ***Day 18

***I am grateful for the words of a stranger. A lovely grandma sat across from me hand-stitching the finishing touches on a green Christmas jumper for a lucky little girl. We were at speech therapy; Jack on my lap, Ben in class, Jack and I were working on vowels and short letter sounds. Ben goes into speech therapy without us now. This has been a hard transition, only for me. Morgan takes Ben into a combined class where she can observe him with peers. I am all for his social interaction developing, however, I miss the constancy of watching her evaluate my boy. To be honest, I need some feedback. It is hard to hand my little boy over for 30 minutes, in this most vulnerable area. God says, 'rest child, he is never not in my hands.' This has provided focused time to have Jack in my lap and work more intently at his skill level. Around us, is the low hum of chatter of other mom's waiting for their child, Jack occassionally bursts out with "aaaaa" or "ooooo" a little too loudly when he has a verbal revelation. I meet eyes with the grandma several times and we smile at each other, charmed with a young learner's thrill of language. As our 30 minutes closes, the grandma puts down her needle, looks directly into my eyes and says with a beautiful New Orleans accent, "darling, you are a good mama." Tears rushed to my eyes and I blinked to hold them back, "wh-what..what did you say" I said, needing her to repeat it, yearning to hear it again. She did repeat it, this time she moved over to me with her hand on my shoulder, "honey, I can jist tell, You are a good mama." I thought immediately of what she had just observed, yes I had been working with my son, but my mind was many different places, I had been thinking about Ben and how he was doing in his class, I was letting myself be sad I couldn't be with him. I wasn't giving Jack my best. I thought of earlier in the morning, when I yelled at both boys because they were busy playing and not moving as fast as I thought they needed to. I thought of how Ben was trying to help me load the dishwasher that morning and I selfishly redirected him so that I could do it more quickly. I thought of how I put them in front of the tv so that I could take a shower and get ready for speech therapy. I thought of the look on Ben's face when he could tell I was frustrated with him for not putting his shoes on in time to go. I am always rushing that child. All these and more flashed through my mind, but she said....I leaned closer and confided, "I don't always know if I am a good mom." My comment was laden with emotion, with need...please tell me more, how do you know I am a good mom, what did you see, did you really see me? "Honey," she said, "let me tell you a little secret from a mama whose raised 4 kids, you are there. You are there. You are givin' God something to work with, child." "Here, give me a little hug." I hugged her tight. This grandma stranger poured into my life something I didn't see that I needed, perspective. In the car, on the ride home, I chewed on that. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am giving God something to work with by being home. All the blessings attached to that reality flooded me with overwhelming thanksgiving to God for the opporuntiy He has given me...

***I am grateful for the schedule God has developed in our home, I know my jobs, He gives me the motivation to make our home run smoothly, and it can run smoothly because I am home.

***I am grateful for my washer and dryer. I am grateful for Mrs. Myers dryer sheets. I am grateful for the triumph of freshly laundered clothes folded neatly in drawers.

***I am grateful that I get to make dinner, every night, for my family. I love to cook. I have all the creative control in my kitchen and I have budding chefs that love to help.

***I am grateful for seeing my time a little differently thanks to a stranger. Because I am home, I have opportunities each moment to pour into my husband, my children, my home itself.

***I am grateful that my selfishness has been pushed to the side burner today and I will look for opportunities to serve my family and thank God that I am home.

30 days of gratefulness *** Day 17

***I am grateful for full weekends. We had a housewarming party at my brother and sister-in-law's beautiful new home. Their home can accommodate us all, so we spent the night. Sunday was my brother's birthday so we celebrated and watched football and had a really wonderful time. How good it was to be all together.

***I am grateful that we have heat to share. My mom's furnace went out and she and my sister have been slumber-partying at our house in the evenings. It feels like stolen time, and I love stolen time.

***I am grateful for Monday's that Scott has off. It is just a continuation of the weekend (although a delay of my household chores) and the boys just LOVE having Scott at home. They cheer, they jump, they build treehouses and forts, they nap in their forts and daddy makes 'bubble art' in the bathtub.

30 days of gratefulness *** Day 12

I am not normally an ice cream kind of girl, but oh my stars, this is fantastic! It has been ingeniously created without sugar, dairy or anything bad for you...and the taste is out of this world. After one bite, I unconsciously slipped my arms around the container, to keep it, to hide it. I have been sneaking bitefulls over the course of 5 days, allowing myself to truly savor every nugget of this pint of pure heaven.

I am grateful for being serenaded. I love to listen to my husband play the guitar while there is a fire roaring in the backround.

I am grateful for MOPS...what a great ministry, I am so honored to be apart of it. I had such a poignant moment Wednesday, with a mom from my table last year. I was never able to give her as much of my time as she wanted. I felt like I wasn't equipped to offer the instruction she needed, I recommended other avenues of counseling...all fell flat. Our walks were similar; her areas of weakness resonated with mine. When we would reach the point in our conversations where I felt like I had listened and processed and may have been able to offer some advice, I would lose her interest. I felt frustrated and impotent and spent a lot of time in prayer for her... I ended the year confused why God would have put her at my table, when I was sure I had not helped, encouraged or offered much in the way of friendship. This past Wednesday, she found me - from across the room I could tell something was different. She walked purposely toward me and embraced me in a hug so big and so filled with emotion, my eyes teared up without knowing why. She shared her journey from the end of the last MOPS year to now. Her life had changed drastically. She wanted me to know my part in it, I inwardly cringed cognizant of how I had let her down. I had let her down. But, God didn't. I gave my testimony during the March MOPS last year. I didn't want to. But, I knew I was supposed to and I chose to be faithful to the urging that God gave me. I have been blessed so much from that experience. But, I was unprepared for how she shared that God used my testimony in her heart. She bought the cd and listened over and over and over during the summer. She listened until she heard what God was saying to her and then she received the same hope that God offered me. She said that I couldn't know how dear I was to her, how much my boldness changed her life, how close she felt like we were now....sisters. She felt transformed this summer and took steps of faith to seek out the counseling help she needed to implement practical changes. When I saw her Wednesday, she had two successfull, beautiful weeks under her belt. I am still processing this situation, chewing over my unending gratitude to God for using me for His glory. I will not forget this lesson; I knew I had something to offer her, I knew so intimately the struggle she faced, but I couldn't get her to hear me. That was never my job. Oh Lord, I am so grateful for your grace and that you give us opportunities each day, each moment, to bear light for You.

30 days of gratefulness *** Day 5

*** I am grateful for friends who open their home and share their good coffee and invest into my children by using the gifts God has given...I am grateful for being welcome to linger too long and soak up beautiful company.

*** I am grateful for the blustery, windy day. The boys exclaimed with joy that the leaves were dancing, and as I paused to watch them skitter down the street I was tickled to see their spontaneous blowing as dancing as well. I am grateful for every opportunity taken to see the world through the eyes of a child.

*** I am grateful for hard lessons learned, and passed. Jack used part of his birthday money to buy Benny a tiny dog (literally an inch and a half tall). Ben delights in closing his fist around his tiny friend and being the "daddy" to this "baby". The dog comes with a little component that can be clipped to a jacket's zipper, but Benny isn't interested in those boundaries, he prefers to hold the puppy. Okay I said, but you must be responsible. "I will, I will!" he assured me. Sure enough, as we meandered through Costco, eating samples and shopping...somewhere, at some point, Benny lost the tiny puppy. We loaded our groceries in the car and knew he was nowhere in the cart or any of our pockets. I trudged back into Costco with the boys, we went down every aisle and asked every kind demo lady we saw if anyone had turned in a tiny, black puppy. No one had. We checked at the membership desk, nothing. As Benny heard the news, his little lower lip popped out and his face contorted into the saddest, silent sob I have ever seen. Then his sob wasn't silent and he was unable to do anything but collapse into a heap on the floor and cry for his little puppy. I carried him to the car, not shushing him, letting him cry, letting him mourn. It was a sorrowful ride home, both boys cried. Jack joined in because, as he said, "Costco is such a big, big place and that puppy is so little. Won't he be scared?" I assured him the puppy would be okay, but for the most part, I just let them cry. As I peaked back at their tearstained faces, they were holding hands. Ohhhhh, my heart just broke. I had irrational thoughts of turning the car around immediately and going to Target and buying another tiny puppy, anything to make that sadness go away. Tears filled my eyes as well as God made clear to me that I was not to do that, but let them feel the loss. This loss was brought on by poor 3 year old logic and irresponsibility, irreverence toward the kind-hearted gift. Some things, though easily replicable are not replaceable. I could buy a duplicate puppy easily, but what would be gained? I have such a hard time looking at a situation with long term vision when the short term moment feels excrutiating. The mom in me wants to alleviate the pain, make it go away, comfort the feelings...but God working through me made this a moment that could be pivotal to Ben. I am grateful for this experience (and grateful it is over) and pray God brings me the moment Ben is ready to receive the conversation and own the lesson.

30 days of gratefulness***day 5

Its been a rough day...but I am thankful for something...

***(dare I say it?) Poop! I am thankful for poop. Its been two days of struggling through Ben's tummy cramps, 4 laxative drops, prunes and prayers and finally, finally we had success. He's "done with that poo poo now mom, can I have dinner?"

30 days of gratefulness *** Day 4

I am joining in on 30 days of gratefulness, but am starting a few days late so I will combine the first three days with this one.

***I am grateful for being a one car family. The days that we do get to have the car become so fun and jam packed with activity, like yesterday, we went to speech therapy, the YMCA, the library and Mobius. It would be so convenient to have two cars, but I am afraid I would forget to appreciate the luxury of piling in the car and venturing out on a weekday.

***I am grateful for momentum. I started this week off well, determined to get my ironing, laundry and housework done, so far so good.

***I am grateful for superheroes. I wasn't sure how appropriate a superhero fixation would be for the boys, but they wear their costumes everywhere, seeking out opportunities to protect and serve. The costumes embolden them to act out what is in their hearts.

***I am grateful for muscles that are tight. It feels so good to work out, to sweat, to put exercise and health back into my routine.

***I am grateful that God is in control of our homeschool time. I make lesson plans and am surprised each time when God tugs the thread that has been woven between each boys' heart and information I believe is relevant, to create a big picture I didn't see coming. Moments like these fill me with validation, purpose and gratefulness.

***I am grateful for silence. I am especially grateful that my heart has been changed and I can rest in silence. Some days I spend my quiet nap time hours in stillness, in silence...these are the moments I know God is beside me, and that He leads me.

birthdays and life lessons

I have missed this interactive journaling; I took a hiatus. I needed to think. I needed to regroup. And frankly, I have been just downright busy. I have written blog posts in my head many times over, and then scratched them...I just wasn't ready. I think the moments that have comprised the last two weeks have gelled into something cohesive, something tangible enough to hold and share. We had a birthday, well more specifically our Jack had a birthday, and he turned five. This birthday has felt momentous. I could feel it coming on in much the same way you sense a cold coming on; you recognize your normal-ness has been invaded and sit helplessly waiting, analyzing every moment, am I worse/better, is it coming? I could sense it in my over-active emotions, in my desire to 'cuddle and hold' a boy who is too tall to sit comfortably snuggled on my shoulder. It was clear that Jack himself held this birthday in new esteem, he was aware of all that five-years-old would mean for months leading up to this birthday. How did we get here so fast? was my pervasive thought for the past two weeks. Has it really been five years since I became a mom, since Scott became a dad? What was life like before Jack, how was it ever as much fun or as funny? As Jack grows taller, he looks more vulnerable to me. This irony is so troubling. He needs me less, I want him to need me more. I am so in awe of the heart God gave him; a heart that is sensitive and bold, a heart that desires justice and looks for opportunities to be courageous. This developing heart is a bud, there are moments that I peek into the blossom God has planned and I reel back from the purity, from the beauty. Oh Lord, do you really love me this much? To make me the mom of these children and the wife of this husband? ... and then, sometimes, it is like the next breath I take is cold air and the beauty I held in my thoughts becomes vaporish as selfishness creeps insiduously through my mind. I struggle to get back to the loveliness but it evades. Then I find myself on the otherside of the passage of time; the loss. How I miss the baby times, the ruddy, drooly toddler times. I didn't do it just right, and I can't get it back. These thoughts paralyze any conscious moving forward. I have lived on this tenuous tightrope of emotional reflecting, until the balance shifted last Thursday at 5:51 pm , central time, when my little man "officially" turned five years old. This last week has been marked by celebration and in Jack's own words: "joy". I had constructed my own projection of what "joy" would look like on your fifth birthday, I foresaw materialistic ugliness bursting forth...I dreaded it. I was so wrong. My anxiety about the time I would have to invest post-birthday to unravel the fists tightly clenched around 'things' was misguided and faithless. Not only those, but I missed the beauty in gifts that reveal the heart of the giver. There were gifts; there were many of those plastic things that hold toys in place scattered, our recycling is full of flattened gift boxes and our home is newly filled with superhero figurines, games, clothes and toy guns...but I noticed something new. Jack will say, "look at how Ironman flies, my aunt Annie gave me him" or "see these wolverine claws!! Max thought of me when he saw them and he gave them to me, can you believe it?" or "this bionicle is just like Noah's" or "can we play this game my friend Ty plays at his home?". Jack associates the gift with the giver and his heart opens to their thoughtfulness. I also noticed how intentionally gifts were purchased, how people have invested time into my son to know him and know what he would enjoy playing with...how overwhelming. Scott and I are so moved by the fellowship God has drawn us toward these last few years. Every year, twice a year, when it is time for a birthday party, Scott and I plot and plan and execute and move on...this party was different. Jack had creative control, he told me what his cake should look like, he told me who he wanted to come to his party (it kept growing, "God has given me so many friends"). There was a sweetness to this party I haven't absorbed before; we were blessed by the presence of the partygoers. Jack got it. He got the blessing deeply, filled to overflowing. This evening I was explaining to him that he received some checks from family too far away to have come to his party. I told him that Scott and I would put it into savings for him, unless there was anything he felt like he needed. He thought for a minute, reminded me that we should give some to God and then said, "Mom, there is nothing else to play with that I want. I have it all, I have it too much. I want to go to Target and buy toys for kids who don't have toys so they have it all too." (still warding off my nemesis materialism) I say, "oh honey, toys aren't what make people happy..", he cuts me off, "Mom, I know that, but I want them to hold a toy and know that I love them." Yes, yes, oh yes.