Home from the Hospital (!!!!)

I am so happy to be home!

But, let me back up. The impending hospital visit I referred to in my last post was indeed a reality this past Wednesday. I expected it, but didn't quite believe it. I was in my fourth week of fighting a bladder infection who wouldn't let go, my levels have been high but the infection has been effectively prevented from getting to my kidneys. The oral antibiotics have been unpleasant and by this past Wednesday had taken a serious toll on my body. I found myself weak, exhausted and moving so slowly I felt convinced the rest of the world had sped up and I was inside a fog that wouldn't lift. I expected my results Wednesday to reveal that the infection was at the same level. My nurse called and had pretty good news, the infection levels were way down, still too high, but the antibiotic was effectively fighting the infection, she thought another 10 day regimen on the same antibiotic would do the trick. I was so glad for this news, this was what I wanted...but I felt betrayed by my own response. I told her I just wasn't feeling good, I had a slight fever, lower back pain, gi issues and was simply exhausted. She put me on hold to talk to the doctor (another in the practice, my ob was on vacation) and told me to get right to the hospital to be admitted for i.v. meds. I actually felt relieved. I guess I was fully broken down in all my reserves and the fight was simply gone. Now that I can fast forward past the next two days and land on Friday....home, hydrated and feeling 110% better...I don't know why I had to wait four long, long weeks to get the help I needed, in more ways than one.

God is so gracious, and I tend to be dense and with an amazing ability to block out and forget, but the past two days I remembered. Four years and four months ago, I was admitted to Deaconess, 27 weeks pregnant (almost exactly how pregnant I am currently), with a bladder infection that couldn't be treated effectively with i.v. antibiotics (same situation, even same bacteria as this time), my ob was on vacation both times and I was assessed and treated by partners of hers both times, I was either in the same room both times or in the room next door on the second floor of Mother-Baby. None of these coincidences occurred to me at the same time, it was like a slow outpouring of deja-vu most of my stay. But, as I remembered and was struck by the coincidence, I recovered feelings...a tingling fear, a sob caught in my throat as I relived who I was four years ago. Small things came back in gentle flickers of memory; trying to wash my hands with an i.v. placement on the back of my wrist, the nurses gentle sympathy, the ring of the standard issue telephone, having a nurse aid me in taking a shower and collapsing into sobs naked in front of a complete stranger...these memories floated in and out not firm enough to grab hold of and relive but not ephemeral enough to lose. The contrasts were so obvious, so loud, they were like a ringing in my ears that I ignored as long as I could but the volume kept going up until I would have almost gone crazy if I hadn't closed my eyes and asked God to show me what I needed to see. I wasn't a Christian then, my marriage was rocky, my emotions were unstable, my body was in peril both with a kidney infection and cervical cancer...I was scared to death, my world had unraveled. It was precisely this edge that I peered over and discovered God's face and hope four years ago. Bittersweet to relive deeply. I am moved to such gratitude and so desperately want to hug the younger me, hold her hand and whisper promises of the future, a future filled with God; a life transformed. God was very much there then, waiting for me...as He is now. Which lead me to ask, "why...why am I reliving this time, what do I need to see, what is God trying to show me?" I think I know. There are depths to be explored, there is yet darkness to be trudged through, but thank you Lord, I have seen Your light at the end of the tunnel. This time I know how to trust Him; with my life, my unborn child, my deepest and darkest fears. This time I have hope, joy even. My life now reflects the touch of a God who is free to love and bless me because I know I am His. I came home today with a husband who held my hand and kissed my forehead, who loves me better and differently than four years ago. Our marriage has been restored, changed, strengthened in ways I didn't know to wish for four years ago. My children were grateful guests at my mother-in-law's, she was moved by their thoughtfulness as when my dad picked them up Jack looked up at her said, "Grandma, thank you so much for letting us stay two nights with you." My boys are not perfect, but they have parents who are praying for them and I get to spend the majority of my days reflecting on and guiding their hearts...what a privilege to be able to trust them away from us. Perhaps the biggest and most noticeable change came when I opened the door to my home, fresh from the hospital stay...four years ago I strongly remember kicking the door open as the key stuck and collapsing on my bed in sobs, hopeless, helpless, alone and scared. My home felt like a trap, messy and punishing. ...Today I opened the door to a sunny, clean home. While I was in the hospital, women from my church family came and cleaned my house. I spun around in the living room, almost gleeful, light streamed in as soon as I opened the curtains to reveal a spotless home. 20 minutes after we arrived, a dear friend brought us dinner, hot and ready to eat. I have received tremendous and bountiful blessings from friends who also love the Lord and want to honor Him. I sit here tremendously grateful and overwhelmed at the difference God has made in my life. He is so good.

p.s. I went home with this beautiful 3D image of my little boy's face b/c I had to have a kidney ultrasound and the tech needed practice with the 3D machine...