my big boy

They told me it would happen.

The speech therapists told me, I was assured by friends of speech therapists, moms of kids who need speech therapy, friends of our family...it would happen. One day Ben would just take off and speak. No longer encumbered by his hearing deficit, the period of catch up and the normal age equivalency would blur. That day happened Monday.

That day fell on the heels of a weekend I was away from both boys. That day also came during sickness, for each of us. That day also fell while I was frantically pulling out the fall clothes. There was so much other-ness swirling it took me a full day to recognize what was happening. And once I recognized, no cognitized, his rapid change...it took my breath away.

My boy has never been so clearly 3. It has occurred to Ben too. We have a language all our own; it is not so simple as sign language, it is more like charades. As I am his so constant companion, I can deduce what simple word he wants me to understand in just a few complicated moves. (For example, to say 'red' he acts out a car going to a stop sign. Then I know he means 'red'). He caught himself a couple times yesterday...."mama, mama, mama, wait" this is followed by the charade. He charmed us by catching himself and smiling, and then simply saying "tent" or "spiderman" or "bread". He is on a free for all, repeating words as they barely exit the speaker's mouth...because he can. He plays with his words, rolling them over in his mouth, saying them over and over, sometimes accompanied with jumping and other visible glee. Jack couldn't be prouder, "Benny is talking a lot now, he talks like me."

Its not just the verbal ability, its the expression that makes the joy catch in my throat. Benny and I have developed a private ritual, we squeeze each other's hands 3 times to express that we love each other. I don't know why I never did this with Jack, it just became something special with Ben. Maybe because it was nearly impossible for him to say, and I needed to create an outlet for him. I couldn't imagine all that love being trapped in there, unable to share itself. He would frequently squeeze my hand when we hugged or held hands. He would go out of his way to run up to me and grab my hand and squeeze it, because this moment was silent, it also seemed private, personal, just ours. Today he came purposefully toward me, grabbed my hand and said, "I luff you, Mommy." I knew as I heard those sweetly enunciated words, this was one of the most precious moments of my life. I tried to be worthy and smile as tears spilled from my eyes. He said, "why you kie mommy, I said I luff you." I buried my head in his hair, knowing there's no stopping him from growing.

He is wearing size 4 pants that I dug out of my fall storage box. They were Jack's last winter and now they are his. They make him look taller, his new cache of words make him seem older. The confidence his speaking gives him makes him bigger, more independent than he was just last week. My mom's heart is so full of love, longing and the pain of growth it is hard to put this in perspective....my little boy is a big boy, and getting bigger.