~practice letting go~

I have had this idea for a while, to take a picture of Jack and Ben from the side in the fall, blowing the white, aged dandelion blossoms into the sky. Now that I have Callen, the picture has evolved to all three boys. Of course, I need the proper camera...and the lighting must be just right. I will blow this picture up to ginormous and mount it on canvas. Then the vinyl lettering will spill to the right of this picture and say 'practice letting go'.. The vision in my head may never appear on my wall, but the concept resides in my heart. I dropped Jack and Ben off at 'school' today. I left them there and came home with my one year old baby...I can't stop thinking about them. They will be at school for six hours, SIX hours is a lifetime when you're living it moment by moment, when you have been their teacher for all their lives and now they have someone new to call 'teacher'. My heart aches with change, with growth, with letting go. This has not been an easy concept..as we were driving to school this morning Jack was pained with anxiety...would there be a bully, would he have anywhere to sit, what if he didn't know how to do what the teacher asked him.... Ben was picking his nose and looking out the window. I wanted to slam on the brakes, turn around. They are not ready for school...they are not ready to be away from me for this long; socially, emotionally...even physically considering the poor manners I was witnessing in the back seat. Then it hit me: they are not mine. This is a step toward their future independence. They may be without me for six hours but they are never without God. Practice letting go. Trust Him...

::my most enchanted summer::

The first day of homeschooling is complete. Which means...summer is over. But there are vestiges right out my door; I will probably be watering my plants through October. My beautiful sister's wedding reception loveliness still spills out into my yard. I am actively soaking up every bit of late summer beauty. My Callen baby turned one, both my sisters moved far away, my sweet niece Avy was born. I can't remember a summer this intense, this busy, this joyful. It is a captured time of change tinged with memories bittersweet and lovely. I want to hold on and not let it go.

Budding Life

This tree lives across my street and the weather behind it is indicative of this spring...gloomy. This spring, I am watching this tree everyday for the life that is sprouting from it because this spring that life represents hope in a very personal way. The neighbor who lived in that house passed away on Good Friday, which was also her birthday. Her life and her presence made an impact here that is heavily felt as loss. She remodeled her yard, paid big money to landscape 3 years ago, because as she said, "why not!" she paid extra for this tree to be a bigger, more mature version of itself so that in 3 years {rather than 10} it would be a stunner. That year is here and she isn't here to enjoy the budding branches. But I am. It is hard to be left behind with memories and an ache in my heart. This sweet neighbor may have accepted Jesus in the last minutes of her life, she may be dancing in heaven right now with beautiful spring unfolding in perfection...can you even imagine it?

Regardless of the weather that is ushering this next season, those branches continue to produce green buds that are beginning to unfurl their beauty. I am so grateful for the small quiet gifts of beauty that God gives us in this imperfect world, rememberances of grace and a foretaste of the majesty to come.

JOY in the Lord

Habakkuk 3:17-19

Though the fig tree does not bud

and there are no grapes on the vine,

though the olive crop fails

and the fields produce no food,

though there are no sheep in the pen

and no cattle in the stalls,

YET I will REJOICE in the LORD.

I will be JOYFUL in God my SAVIOR.

The SOVEREIGN Lord is my STRENGTH;

He makes my feet like the feet of the deer

He enables me to go on the heights.

Adrian Rogers says that he doesn't feel that there's any higher praise in the entire Bible than this prayer in Habakkuk 3. (only a portion of it is above) It's a profound praise - absolutely, totally profound. It's a prayer with praise that is full of rejoicing, a joy that endures no matter what comes. That's how I stay together when the world comes apart. Where do I get JOY? Not in all the things of this world that can fail me. I get my joy in the Lord.

Review:::Eternal Encouragements Magazine

I want to introduce you all to my friend...



She arrived back in March as a part of my Gabby Mom's review program. It could be her portable size {9 x 6"} or her imminent readability or her wise counsel, but somewhere in the last two months we got close. She has traveled with me in two different diaper bags, making the cut over later realized necessities...um, like wipes. She has also traveled in 3 different purses and has seen me through lag time at the emissions car place, the doctors office and even a very long check out line at Target. She has been spit up on by my baby and "read" by my 4 almost 5 year old. Imagine her surprise when he found an article about superheroes and took her with him on an impressive leap off of the couch. There was even a week when I thought I lost her and rediscovered her in my bible, snuggled between the pages of 1 Timothy. Its her slim size, I chastised her..

I have been hungry for perspective, its true. It could be because my baby is crawling, my four year old is on the eve of turning five or that my six year old lost his first tooth. They are growing up. I am growing up. Sometimes when that fact mixes with emotion and hits me, I spiral into a desperate need of eternal mindset. Big picture ideas, the intrinsic value of this moment. Thanking God for each moment I get to be a wife and mother devoted to Him. That I have purpose; that the laundry I fold and the dishes I wash matter eternally. That the little hearts that flutter around me during the day will grow up to have impact for Him.

As the evidence mounts in my day to day life that we are evolving and changing and growing, I grab my friend and skip to page #39 and read this poem:

A Mother Who Takes Time

(author unknown)

I hope my children

Look back on today

And remember a mother

Who took time to play.

There will be time

For cleaning and cooking

But children grow up

While we aren't looking.

I thank God for the reminder and then I sink into the next article, so thoroughly enjoyed and highlighted and marked up that the magazine opens right up to Robin McKay's thoughtful words...I counted that I underlined and asterisked 23 quotes that feel pertinent to share, but really it is this sentiment that she captures so well, "have I romanced my child's heart to the point that he is captured by mine? Does he know without question I am prouder than proud of who he is - not what he does or how he acts? Would he choose to be my friend if I were not his mom?...Am I forgetting how blessed I am and how rewarding it is to mother these children, walk alongside this man and glorify God by simply enjoying Him in the everyday experiences of home?" The first time I read those words, I knew I had a friend for life. Good friends remind you of what is real, what is true, they help encourage you on your path and point you back to Jesus. If you are interested in making a purse or bible-sized friend of your own, go here to subscribe for $25.97 per year, plus receive a free gift:
http://www.subscribe.eternalencouragement.com/

Disclaimer:: I reviewed Eternal Encouragement Magazine as an official member of The Gabby Moms blogging program. I did not receive compensation for this post and all opinions are solely my own.

Overrun and Overcome::::installment #1

Its funny how my thinking gradually changes when I am surrounded by males, I heard myself refer to truffles as chocolate meatballs {the boys have fondly renamed them...and it stuck} and I realized I needed an outlet. A place to remember the blessings and adaptations of a life shared with so many males. Here's the beginning to a list of joyful changes that a healthy dose of testosterone can bring:

:::we evaluate shoes based on speed, not style
:::when we fall we don't say "oopsa daisy", we say "that's a good one!"
:::we don't put a band-aid on an owie because that would cover up the 'courage'

Daffodowndilly

She wore her yellow sun-bonnet,

She wore her greenest gown;

She turned to the south wind

And curtsied up and down.

She turned to the sunlight

And shook her yellow head,

And whispered to her neighbour:

"Winter is dead."

- A.A. Milne

Cookie

Last night after eating every bite of his dinner, Jack followed me into the kitchen. I looked blankly at him and then I remembered, 'ohhhh....dessert'. Hmmm. I grabbed a chocolate chip cookie and handed it to him, quickly turning back to the sink to finish the dishes. "Mom!," he grabbed my hand, "I don't just want a cookie, I want an experience." I just love that boy.

His eye is on the sparrow:::A brand new anniversary

I sing because I'm happy, I sing because I'm free..

I am so moved by this song, this concept today, because I am experiencing a freedom this day I never thought possible.

Our hearts, our souls have known freedom through Christ for 5 years, but we have still been in bondage. Wrapped up in mistakes, indulgences and selfish desires we buried ourselves in trouble, we used money to try to fix the broken state of our souls. This insipid prescription very nearly destroyed our marriage and only piled mounds of ugliness on top of the trouble already brewing. We met Jesus and His work on the cross purified us of unrighteousness...He changed our hearts...He saved our marriage...He began the lifelong process of sanctification within our hearts. Through fresh eyes we could see the tangible damage of our sins I remember so clearly the despair, the utter grief that debt brings. I have known forgiveness and still felt deep scars and stains as we walked through the painful consequences of our mistakes.

Today is a new day. What is old is truly gone, what has been made new in the truths of the Lord is here to stay. Today marks our very last payment to the debt that has held us captive.

What a great work that has been done in my heart in this journey. I am no longer desiring the *things* that we had to sacrifice to make bigger payments toward our debt. The chains have been broken. I am so excited to be free to be used for God's kingdom building, not Katie building. I didn't know how emotional this day would be until I heard my husbands words, "its finished." I cannot hold back the flood of emotion, of praise, of gratefulness. God has been so faithful. To Him be the glory.

Eternal Moments E-newsletter:::a review

What is encouragement? ... Do you need some?

This month, through Gabby Moms, we are reviewing the e-newsletter from Eternal Encouragment. Due to a glitch, I didn't receive my newsletter the prescribed way, via e-mail on a weekly basis. I have, however, been forwarded two copies of the newsletter. They arrived together in my inbox, I held off opening them and decided to prayerfully reframe my expectations. It feels shallow to admit my initial disappointment, I tend to put too much emphasis on details and a forwarded copy of an e-newsletter is typically something I would put in the trash bin without hesitation. My mind wondered, can this format really bring encouragement? So, I have spent some time this last week reflecting on encouragement.

I ran an informal poll in my home. I asked my husband and two of my three sons (ages 6, 4 and 6 months) what encouraged them, more specifically what can I do to encourage them. I broke the concept down into something that built them up; made them feel excited to continue; happy. My oldest shared that he feels encouraged when I hug him and kiss him and cuddle with him first thing in the morning. He told me that when I tell him that I love him, he feels like his heart gets bigger and he can't wait to love other people. My middle boy said that he feels encouraged to know that I pray for him before he gets up in the morning, this makes him feel safe and happy and close to God. My husband said that when I affirm him and his decisions he feels encouraged. He also said that the more we communicate and are unified in the details of our lives, the more encouraged he feels. I didn't ask the baby, of course, but noticed how desperately he searches my face for eye contact and once he gets it, he squeals and smiles and responds in every way his little body can.

Their answers made me think. Encouragement is of God. He made laughter and beauty and all wordless encouragements. He created breathtaking sunsets and nature scenery that is so spectacular it gives testament to His glory, and when our heart is quiet it can take in His majesty and be affirmed. He also gave us His word which contains written encouragement, practical direction. Real encouragement contains perspective and carries us back to the plumb line of scripture. It reminds us what is true, gives the big picture and reveals grace in the little picture. As I am following the mandates in scripture, specifically in Titus 2:3-5; loving my husband and children, serving them...I am able to be a vehicle of God's encouragement direct to their hearts.

Now, having processed and revamped my expectations, I was excited to dig into the e-newsletters. I was hopeful to find encouragement to my own heart to better equip me to be a wife and mother who is an encouragement to those I have been given to love. I was not disappointed.

The newsletter sparkles with the heart of the founder, Ms. Lorrie Flem. There are all sorts of tidbits, quick takeaways that offer perspective. I especially enjoyed the Chick Flicks for Moms, a video of Lorrie sharing helpful and practical advice from topics ranging from whining to communication with our husbands. I dove for a pen as I heard her say that our husbands have a 'destination mind' and we must fast forward to the bottom line when communicating with them. She said that God made women to love details and storytelling and men to cut to the chase. We are to complement each other and since God made me this way, I can go to Him with all the details and He would love to listen. That visual warmed my heart and simplified something I struggle with; being an effective communicator with my husband. This point seemed all the more personal since my husband had shared that he feels encouraged when we communicate effectively. Spending time and receiving advice from a woman who has cultivated a lifetime of studying and implementing Gods word into family life is a gift. I fully recommend going to http://www.homemakingwithteach.com/ and subscribing to the Eternal Moments E-newsletter.

**I am reviewing Encouraging Moments as an official member of The Gabby Moms blogging program for Eternal Encouragement magazine. I did not receive compensation for this post and all opinions are solely my own.**

True Treasures; a book review

I am a momma who really loves her life...who really, really loves her life. I love the messy faces that are mine to wipe up, the sticky fingers, the creative homeschool mornings that become afternoons and the mad rush of 4 o'clock. I love the imperfection and trouble shooting that creep into an ordinary day and push perspective and humility into focus. That said, its been a rough month. I found my healthy dose of 'trust in God's sovereign plan for my life' spiraling into the background, becoming a nuisance of an idea really, while my feelings and thwarted plans took center stage. Our christmas was nothing like I planned. We didn't do an advent calendar (gasp!), I didn't make all the beautiful christmas cookies to pass out to the neighbors like I planned. Christmas eve was capped off with a trip to the e.r. ...for me! Christmas came and went, gifts were opened, toys were played with and deposited into the play bin...all without my conscious, meticulous planning. Jesus was born and I was too sick and self-focused to celebrate.

My heart has ached with regrets, my inner sanctuary has felt as cluttered as the leftover christmas decorations and discarded wrapping paper. The transition to 2011 has been vulernable and exposed. And then a bright spot; a life presever of a book arrived, addressed to me and complete with a beautiful tulle bow. I had agreed to be a Gabby Mom reviewer through Eternal Encouragement for this next year, our first mission is this wonderful compilation of 10 years worth of TEACH magazine (now called Eternal Encouragement). I have only gotten familiar with the magazine in the recent past so 10 years of the best articles seemed like a wealth of wisdom. Just holding the book felt like a gift.

I didn't waste any time flipping to the author's welcome and then followed through the book to read each highlighted bio. I know its strange, but I have to familiarize myself with the writer before I read their writing. I want to peer into their life and know their perspective; understand their experience so that reading their work is personal. I was delighted to find author bios self directed and on the outer half of the right pages, this makes for easy finding when flipping through quickly. There is such faith and wisdom represented in the women chosen to offer godly advice. As I read about each author, I was keenly aware that these women had something to offer that I was so hungry for...perspective on this specific season in my life.
The chapter subtitles cleanly broke it down:
Jewels that Make the Heart Sparkle; Marriages of Solid Gold; Parenting Pearls: Practical and Priceless; Homemaking that Dazzles like Diamonds; Homeschooling Nuggets of Wisdom; and Godly Living that Glitters. I found a mission statement of sorts on page 11: "every issue is committed to bringing you encouragement for the path you've chosen: one that the world doesn't always understand! Not only do we understand, but we honor and support your commitment by filling the pages of TEACH magazine with wisdom to encourage you in the main areas of a homemaker's life: spiritual growth, marriage, homemaking, parenting, and homeschooling." Yes!

At a low point for me, this magazine compilation with high spiritual impact and strong scriptural base was provided. Through the pages, I was reminded that being a homemaker is a calling from God. This sometimes thankless work is kingdom work, each load of laundry has importance. I especially appreciated the encouragement to look around and notice the things that I did accomplish today, not all the things not yet done. This season, with three little boys underfoot and homeschooling and laundry and menu planning and committing to give my best time to my husband once the kids are in bed is and will be one of the busiest in my life. The reminder that this is a season and the kids will grow up and I will desperately miss the blessings and the messiness that surround me now, jump started my engine. The wallowing stopped. The articles are spilling over with God's truths, encouragements to young mothers to keep on His path, ideas to make life smoother from experienced hands. This is a true treasure. I found the introduction by Tena Cinnamon to be beautifully scripted and true in my heart: "The words in this book have been collected, sorted and prayed over specifically for you. No, we don't know each of you personally, but our Lord does. ... He works in wonderful ways to knit and tie us all together to bring Glory to His Kingdom and Bride."

You can read more about this beautiful book here: http://www.homemakingwithteach.com/
disclaimer: I received this product for honest review from TEACH magazine as part of The Gabby Moms blogging program. All opinions expressed are solely my own.

the good life

I overheard Benny many times yesterday. I just kept happening upon him busy doing something. Its one of my favorite things to do, sneak up on an unsuspecting, busy boy and grab them from behind and HUG them tight, kiss their cheeks mercilessly, not let them go. And then, eventually, I do have to let them go. Perhaps I stalled my 'attack' with Ben yesterday and resorted to getting close and listening because I am feeling particularly guilt ridden towards this middle child. Unpacking the Christmas ornaments and paraphrenalia so much was discovered and felt this year. Jack has many, many "1st Christmas" ornaments and pictures...Ben doesn't. "Momma, where is my picture where I am crying in Santa's lap?" ... "Where is my Christmas ball with my picture?" .... um....I think, 'oh baby, I was SO tired then.' My heart knows there is no excuse. My heart also knows Callen will probably have such a different experience. I fell into the trap, the seemingly neglected middle child trap. How do I explain to him that those things have nothing to do with how much I love him. I am praying through this, praying for perspective and insight to this beautiful gift of a child. In the meantime I find myself approaching him more gently, listening more. I discovered a wealth of hilarious moments I want to write on my heart and never let go of. While I was busy doing the breakfast dishes Benny was serenading his audience of tiny puppies in the living room with a rousing rendition of 'I'm in the Lord's Army' complete with marching and salutes. He even took the time to put each puppies' paw in the salute position as they watched him. He has extraordinary attention to detail. I giggled and he sheepishly turned and saw me and then performed louder with a blush on his cheeks. Then he ran to me and I picked him up and spinned him.
Later, I came around the corner and he was dusting the nativity set. :) He was singing 'Mary had a little lamp.' Oh, I love him.
My favorite stolen moment was catching a conversation Ben was having with Callen. Callen was sitting in his high chair seat in rapt attention, and Ben was holding his feet. This is what I heard: "Callen, God made me a big brother. I had to wait a long time for you, but God knew you were my little brother before He made the earth and the stars. Yes, all of the stars in the sky. He made you special just for our family. I will teach you to run." At this point he saw me because I couldn't stand to be behind him anymore. I grabbed him, held him, absorbed his four-ness.

some thoughts need a place to be put

Things are changing.

I feel like I am waking up, looking around and seeing my life more clearly than I have in a while. I tuck thoughts away, I collect words, dwell in moments...I overanalyze and sometimes get logged in minutiae and forget to pull back and see the big picture. I recognize God is in this moment and that moment..then those moments add up and sometimes I forget that my life is a compilation of moments orchestrated by a Lord who never leaves, moves or changes. I have been so impacted by one of God's smallest miracles; my friend Christa's baby Ella and her fight to live. I find myself understanding 'pray without ceasing' as I have never petitioned God this earnestly or this constantly before. Drawing close to a God who hears will change you. I go on with my living and in the next breath sob in air rich with emotions...fear, perspective, gratitude..

Some changes needed to come. I was getting comfortable with ordinary, appreciating my life but not enjoying it as deeply as I could have. Focusing on the big picture changes all of that. There is a little bit of joy in every moment...suddenly I can see it, no, I can feel it. This joy runs deep and is completely unaffected by the weather, the scale or the mood of the moment. It is real; it is a gift from the Lord and I want to clutch the preciousness of abiding in truth. If change = growth, as it often does...what a privilege.

Straight from Heaven

This is our very last day of paternity leave...

Then real life begins...life with three boys...am I ready?

Our littlest man has brought such happiness to our household this first week. His big brothers cannot get enough of him, kissing him, praying for him, cuddling him. It is so precious to watch them think of another first and treasure Callen's little fingers and toes as much as I do. Our family has been prepared for this baby; the adjustment has not been too overwhelming. I have taken the night shift with absolute pleasure. What a surprise to find that I look forward to that alone time with Callen each night...I play soft piano music of old hymns or Pachelbel's Canon in D and I read Isaiah out loud to him. He stares at my face and I can't hold back the tears. What a wonder to look into the face of such a pure miracle and realize that miracle is looking back at you, absorbed by you...needing you. This first week has been an absolute joy.

Little boys who become men

We are in our third, of most likely 4, weeks living away from home...
I have tried hard to disengage. I have found that focusing on that which I cannot control and do not desire intermixed with all the hormones of pregnancy is an ugly combination. For the past two weeks we have been at my mother-in-law's while my husband slaves away utilizing every spare moment he has to rebuild/remodel our only bathroom. We have been blessed with tremendous help and luxurious accommodations. I am encouraged daily to sleep in, nap, put my feet up and relish the air conditioning. My boys are spoiled and thoroughly enjoyed. The company of my mother-in-law is delightful and thoughtful. My heart is so grateful. I fight hard the moments I want to have a tantrum and insist that despite all the subtle blessings this isn't exactly what I had planned and wanted. I have noticed the boys' fight their own emotional insecurities as well; I have seen them victorious and I have seen them vulnerable. Perhaps its the stockpile of noticing that jarred me into a new gear, a gear that screams to engage....ENGAGE...a baby is coming, life is rolling on whether I want to allow it to or not. My little boys are bigger boys this summer, these have been hazy, drifting thoughts as I spread sunscreen on their broader shoulders and taller torsoes. My life has gotten much, much easier; the boys can buckle their own seatbelts, brush their own teeth, wipe their own bottoms...they are each other's best friends and entertain each other all day long. They look out for me, they open doors for me, carry my bags and cover me with a coveted blanket if I fall asleep for an unexpected nap. I am their princess...I am the woman in their life. I have heard it whispered that I am the example they will follow when they are ready to marry. Have I taken this seriously? My affection is equated with approval in their little hearts...do I give it? There will come a day when I am no longer their princess...there will come a day when I will have to let go...do I live with this reality? Or am I so focused on myself that I forget the magnitude and privilege of the role God has laid out for me? Living in my mother-in-law's home, I am surrounded with the little boy-ness of my husband, who was once a boy whose princess was his mom...there are framed crayon pictures hanging on the walls...in her jewelry box a ceramic beaded necklace he crafted for her.....the ashes he saved in an old tupperware container from Mount St. Helens, preserved on a shelf....his old, battered paper airplane book safely tucked away...each year's baseball jersey saved as a precious momento. This home is full of memories of a boy I did not know who became a man that joined his life to mine. The little boy earnestness and diligence and affection are her memories, gifts that she alone was the recipient of and built into the man who is now mine. Do I appreciate the preciousness of that gift? No, I have not. I feel like I have come smacking into the reality that I will have to let go of my own little boys one day...that is God's plan and it is good. That these days have purpose; I am preparing them with every word that leaves my lips to receive well or poorly the example of a man their father offers. They watch us, they watch me, they role model, they form conclusions. Both boys want to become a husband, that is the best longterm goal they can muster. A career allows you to provide for a family, it is not their emphasis...being daddy is. They frequently ask about marriage, they pray God is protecting their future wives, they wonder, they argue over who they will marry. I asked Benny what happens after you get married, curious what he had concluded. He said, "well, then you have a wife to kiss you and miss you when you go to work." Jack was a bit more cerebral, "you share your life with the partner God made just for you...oh I can't wait to meet my wife, I hope she has long yellow hair!" Suddenly their preciousness permeates my every thought, I cannot hug them enough or hold tight enough to a little hand that unabashedly grabs mine wherever we are. I am not taking lightly their affections or admissions of love. Our world is about to be rocked by a third little boy who will someday become a man. I cannot wait.

New Makeup

I was able to get some new make-up yesterday. I convinced my mom that new make-up would be the perfect early birthday present, and receiving this gift a month early would be the most appreciated time, as I will be little more than a week away from delivering this baby on my special day. She agreed and I made an appointment at my hair salon with the aesthetician who does free consultations and sells a mineral-based product guaranteed to work with my drrrryyyyy skin and still give me a 'dewy' feel all day long. I was so excited! I knew new make-up and a consultation on how to properly put it on and most flatter my features was what was lacking in my world. I have been feeling all seven months of this pregnancy lately, all the antibiotics I have been taking have affected my sensitive skin causing discoloration and intense dryness. I have never had such pronounced circles under my eyes and even my eyelashes have been looking pale and droopy. My body has felt foreign and my face unfamiliar. I desired to take charge and start afresh. I sucked in a big breath when I met my angel of transformation: Tricia. Her make-up was lovely, I would even say 'dewy' but her expression was one of boredom and she was five minutes late. I tried gently to encourage her to sense my enthusiasm and grasp how much I had riding on a successful consultation. But she wasn't conversational, in fact the first thing she said to me was, "oh my, you need a facial." "Oh," I said. I knew a facial wasn't possible in my 30 minute slotted appointment and I wanted to crumble, my hopes for a fresh start would be impossible on a canvas that so desperately needed a fresh start of its own. "well, I'll just see what I can do anyway" she said, "but I would insist you get a facial asap." Part of me wanted to just leave, I felt embarassed and exposed...but I considered how hard I had worked to get up on the high bar stool of a cosmetic bench and recognized the danger of my hormones guiding my feelings and I bit my lip instead. "I'm sorry about my pores, I haven't really had time to care about them for the past 5 years" I admitted. Tricia just nodded. Suddenly she swabbed me with a big gob of white goo, she directed me to rub it in calling it 'the best moisturizer ever to hit my face'. It was nice, silky and I closed my eyes and began to relax as I rubbed and rubbed moisture onto my starved face. I opened my eyes to Tricia's face no more than an inch away. I startled, which is awkward on a chair with no back. She said, "hold still, I've got to get your coloring right." Apparently Tricia is an expert color decoder, trusting only her eyes, not even holding color samples up to my skin, just taking it all in gave her all the evidence she needed to know I was 'warm silk'. "Will you be tanning this summer?" she asked. "Um, not likely..." I muttered feeling like I was letting her down again. She used a flat brush and applied the mineral foundation, then she applied under eye concealer and blush. This was all without a word and with tight lipped concentration. I tried to focus on being still and breathing gently, but then she shocked me with an aerosol can aimed straight for my face. "Don't breath!" she said. She sprayed me with a gentle breeze, ohhh it felt lovely and she guaranteed it would lock my make-up in place for 12 hours and provide moisture to the minerals in the powder which would then moisturize my face. She said my eyes really just needed mascara, any further effort on her part seemed to be less than worthwhile given my lifestyle as a stay at home mom. "Okay," I concurred, resigning myself to learn the art of eye make-up application from someone other than Tricia. She gave me a mirror and I was impressed. I looked relatively the same but healthier, I smiled and I felt like the minerals sparkled. "Wow, that looks really good," she said, oddly surprised. Suddenly Tricia perked up, it was time to talk about purchase. "So...you want the base, the brush, the blush, the brush, the mascara, the under eye miracle cream and the facial spritzer? Altogether that's just $275." "Oh," I said, "I'm sorry, I may just have to save up for the whole package, today I could just get the base and the mascara." "Okay," she sighed, "but without the proper brushes you're going to blow through your product." Those were Tricia's final words of wisdom and she was gone. I clutched my new purchases happily and rushed to the car to check out how I looked in natural light. The compact and mascara have a dull gold outer cover, always a sucker for packaging, I love it. They are both relatively heavy and make me feel grown up. I drove home feeling fresher and prettier than I had in a while. I smiled at people at stop lights and they smiled back. I sunk a little when Scott didn't immediately notice my new face, but he had a lot on his mind last night. I began my new beauty regimen first thing this morning. The boys noticed immediately when they got up that I "looked bitiful (beautiful) today". That made me smile some more. Jack complimented me again after lunch, "momma, you're so pretty today!" Ohhhh, I do love that boy. "Thank you honey, momma got some new make-up yesterday and I really like it." "No, that's not what I mean," he said. "You have the most happy smile on your face like you used to have and that makes me remember how pretty you are." ......... "Wha-aat.." I stammered. I felt it was necessary to make my case clearer; my coloring is evened out and I don't have circles under my eyes, I explained. I even showed him the compact and said that it had special minerals that made my face sparkle. Both boys laughed. "Momma," Jack said giggling, "momma, there isn't anything in there that makes you pretty, its what is in your heart!" In the next moment, I tested out the waterproof-ness of my new mascara. Why is it that my five year old can sometimes pour wisdom straight out of his logical, simple little heart to my complicated, distracted and misguided one? I am simply flabberghasted that I could have spent $275 on something promoted by Tricia to feel more beautiful when God has given me the antidote to feeling unspectacular and He keeps it in my heart: joy. Joy of my salvation. I am reminded of this quote:

"If you are saved, inform your face." ~Unknown

I have been so focused on the thoughts in my head lately, on me and how I am feeling (physically and emotionally), I forgot how good it felt to smile. How much my mood changes and the moods around me change when I just smile.

Home from the Hospital (!!!!)

I am so happy to be home!

But, let me back up. The impending hospital visit I referred to in my last post was indeed a reality this past Wednesday. I expected it, but didn't quite believe it. I was in my fourth week of fighting a bladder infection who wouldn't let go, my levels have been high but the infection has been effectively prevented from getting to my kidneys. The oral antibiotics have been unpleasant and by this past Wednesday had taken a serious toll on my body. I found myself weak, exhausted and moving so slowly I felt convinced the rest of the world had sped up and I was inside a fog that wouldn't lift. I expected my results Wednesday to reveal that the infection was at the same level. My nurse called and had pretty good news, the infection levels were way down, still too high, but the antibiotic was effectively fighting the infection, she thought another 10 day regimen on the same antibiotic would do the trick. I was so glad for this news, this was what I wanted...but I felt betrayed by my own response. I told her I just wasn't feeling good, I had a slight fever, lower back pain, gi issues and was simply exhausted. She put me on hold to talk to the doctor (another in the practice, my ob was on vacation) and told me to get right to the hospital to be admitted for i.v. meds. I actually felt relieved. I guess I was fully broken down in all my reserves and the fight was simply gone. Now that I can fast forward past the next two days and land on Friday....home, hydrated and feeling 110% better...I don't know why I had to wait four long, long weeks to get the help I needed, in more ways than one.

God is so gracious, and I tend to be dense and with an amazing ability to block out and forget, but the past two days I remembered. Four years and four months ago, I was admitted to Deaconess, 27 weeks pregnant (almost exactly how pregnant I am currently), with a bladder infection that couldn't be treated effectively with i.v. antibiotics (same situation, even same bacteria as this time), my ob was on vacation both times and I was assessed and treated by partners of hers both times, I was either in the same room both times or in the room next door on the second floor of Mother-Baby. None of these coincidences occurred to me at the same time, it was like a slow outpouring of deja-vu most of my stay. But, as I remembered and was struck by the coincidence, I recovered feelings...a tingling fear, a sob caught in my throat as I relived who I was four years ago. Small things came back in gentle flickers of memory; trying to wash my hands with an i.v. placement on the back of my wrist, the nurses gentle sympathy, the ring of the standard issue telephone, having a nurse aid me in taking a shower and collapsing into sobs naked in front of a complete stranger...these memories floated in and out not firm enough to grab hold of and relive but not ephemeral enough to lose. The contrasts were so obvious, so loud, they were like a ringing in my ears that I ignored as long as I could but the volume kept going up until I would have almost gone crazy if I hadn't closed my eyes and asked God to show me what I needed to see. I wasn't a Christian then, my marriage was rocky, my emotions were unstable, my body was in peril both with a kidney infection and cervical cancer...I was scared to death, my world had unraveled. It was precisely this edge that I peered over and discovered God's face and hope four years ago. Bittersweet to relive deeply. I am moved to such gratitude and so desperately want to hug the younger me, hold her hand and whisper promises of the future, a future filled with God; a life transformed. God was very much there then, waiting for me...as He is now. Which lead me to ask, "why...why am I reliving this time, what do I need to see, what is God trying to show me?" I think I know. There are depths to be explored, there is yet darkness to be trudged through, but thank you Lord, I have seen Your light at the end of the tunnel. This time I know how to trust Him; with my life, my unborn child, my deepest and darkest fears. This time I have hope, joy even. My life now reflects the touch of a God who is free to love and bless me because I know I am His. I came home today with a husband who held my hand and kissed my forehead, who loves me better and differently than four years ago. Our marriage has been restored, changed, strengthened in ways I didn't know to wish for four years ago. My children were grateful guests at my mother-in-law's, she was moved by their thoughtfulness as when my dad picked them up Jack looked up at her said, "Grandma, thank you so much for letting us stay two nights with you." My boys are not perfect, but they have parents who are praying for them and I get to spend the majority of my days reflecting on and guiding their hearts...what a privilege to be able to trust them away from us. Perhaps the biggest and most noticeable change came when I opened the door to my home, fresh from the hospital stay...four years ago I strongly remember kicking the door open as the key stuck and collapsing on my bed in sobs, hopeless, helpless, alone and scared. My home felt like a trap, messy and punishing. ...Today I opened the door to a sunny, clean home. While I was in the hospital, women from my church family came and cleaned my house. I spun around in the living room, almost gleeful, light streamed in as soon as I opened the curtains to reveal a spotless home. 20 minutes after we arrived, a dear friend brought us dinner, hot and ready to eat. I have received tremendous and bountiful blessings from friends who also love the Lord and want to honor Him. I sit here tremendously grateful and overwhelmed at the difference God has made in my life. He is so good.

p.s. I went home with this beautiful 3D image of my little boy's face b/c I had to have a kidney ultrasound and the tech needed practice with the 3D machine...

Second Trimester and other transformations..

I have been really humbled lately. It could be this pregnancy. It could be that God is using this pregnancy to open my eyes and reveal some areas that need some work in relegating control. He seems to be able to get my attention when pregnant, because, suddenly, my body is not about me. I find this uneven ground and to get my footing means to be honest. I am a put my head in the sand kind of girl; honesty is difficult. I am six months pregnant with my third baby and just beginning to voice aloud that being pregnant may not be an easy thing for my body. What makes this especially complex is that each pregnancy had a different issue attached; endometriosis, cervical cancer, fluid in my kidneys. As I look at that typed list, I want to close my eyes, rebel, not believe those words describe my body. I am used to pushing myself to get the results I expect. I am used to my accomplishments being mine. God filters through all of my life, but here is an area that I am not in need, here is an area that I can handle. Hard, efficient, physical work = good, measurable results so that I can focus on the more cerebral growth that I am sure God has for me. (this private place in my thoughts is now where I am hearing the record scratch) My body has not been dependable. Well, that depends on my perspective of what my body is designed to do. I am growing a healthy baby, and doing that well. I have felt the walls crumbling around my safe haven of pride for 5 months, but last night, they crashed down. I am sitting in rubble and finally feeling free. Freedom is a surprise and a relief. God has my attention, I see my pride for what it is, I am ready to be honest. I have found it hard to ask for prayer in the areas I need it most; submission to God, obedience to God, prideful battles, turning to silence and my own thoughts. I have felt myself battling the beauty and blessings God has given me. I am reminded of the woman in proverbs who tears down her own house, I believe she's called a fool. Am I really that desperate for control? I am also reminded of Paul when he curses his flesh for desiring the sinful nature over the purity in his heart. Yesterday I determined, I absolutely determined and willfully decided to fight for the outcome I believed was best for our family. Despite and maybe a little in spite of the fear of an upcoming hospital stay for me, I was going to get ahead on my chores, meal preparations and so forth and we were going as a family to growth group at church last evening. But, on our way....disaster struck. Scott got a bloody nose, a bloody nose that just wouldn't stop bleeding. He admitted this was his third for the day, and he'd had just as many a day for several weeks. I knew he was frustrated with his bloody noses, but I had no idea they'd been so frequent. I felt really alarmed. We elected to call my mom and have her babysit so we could go to urgent care. Thankfully, there was hardly any wait at urgent care and the doctor cauterized his ruptured blood vessel and gave him an antibiotic attributing his current bleeding to allergies and an untreated sinus infection. This was such a relief. We followed this up with the laundromat as our washing maching stopped mid-cycle earlier in the day, leaving blankets 40 pounds too heavy and soaked. As we waited for the washing and drying we held hands and talked. There were a couple of intense moments where we either needed to laugh or cry, or some of both. We actually did laugh and ended up enjoying our 'date night'. The intensity of our last few months lifted for a little while in the most unexpected of places. When we got back home, amazingly refreshed, I found the most beautiful flowers waiting for me. God's arms wrapped around me yesterday, as hard as I've fought to get away I ended the night submitting completely to the love waiting for me. Ready to admit my own failures, weaknesses and struggles and find hope in the only Source truly able to change me. I want to walk in the path God has set before me.

30 days of gratefulness***Day 30

(My numbered days of gratefulness may leave some holes but I tried to be true to the date, I will fill in, in other months..)

***Today I am grateful for the way November leads us to the advent season we embark on tomorrow...a path straight to the Savior in the manger. I have no design on how we will mark each day but am determined to stay focused, have fun and live each of the 25 days with the mindset that Christ is coming.

***I am grateful for each marker that announces 'Christmas Season': pine scented soap and candles, Christmas music, twinkly lights, Christmas trees and unloading the ornaments that I treasure, hot chocolate, building traditions within our family.

***I am grateful for the foresight Scott and I had last year. We carefully packaged and sealed all of our decorations, and despite the flood in our basement last winter, everything was intact for this year. We also invested a little bit of money after the holiday season on seasonal items that were on a big discount. How fun to pull brand new (and totally forgotten) purchases out of boxes and give them a home! One discovery were our new stocking holders. There are 5 letters, each holds a stocking and it sits securely on our mantel. I vaguely remember picking the letters up last year at Target, it was in a frenzy and I barely cared what the letters spelled so long as there were 5 (four of us plus one dog stocking ;) ) and the price was under $5. I chose PEACE. As we arranged the letters on the mantel, I took a step back to look, I was staggered by the boldness. Peace? Am I offering it or declaring it? I thought a lot about peace last night and throughout this day as the statement was unavoidable. What does peace look like, what does peace look like in my home? As I did my bible study this week, I felt bombarded by the word, the sentiment. In the last chapters of John, when Jesus appears in His resurrection body, everywhere He appears He declares, "Peace be with you." In fact, in chapter 20, He says it three times. This really got me thinking. Jesus comes back after He has been crucified and the first thing He tells His disciples is to have peace. This sentiment is followed by the Great Commission. Could it be that Jesus knew the disciples would need His peace to share His message? He knew what was ahead of them, He knows what is ahead of all of us, He knows what we need. The peace Jesus offers has its source in Him, His peace is a comfort, it is free and it is a choice. I often decorate around a theme-word. I love words and all that the right word can evoke. Last night, this word didn't feel like one I would choose, I felt unworthy to touch this word. I spent time thinking about the things that evoke peace to me. I rearranged decorations and angled chairs differently, the room was neat and clean, free of clutter and smelled yummy. But it wasn't right, with one irritated look, the concept could crumble. Irritation isn't peaceful. I tried so hard to manufacture peace in my living room...then I got it. I can't create peace or produce an atmosphere that leads others into peace, not exactly. Only Jesus can do that. But, I will boldly proclaim His peace in my living room this season and allow the word to be a reminder to me of Who is peace, Who died for me to be able to experience true peace. I pray this season brings recognition of His peace deep in our hearts so that my family and I are emboldened to feed His lambs, take care of His sheep and feed His sheep. (John ch.21)

30 days of gratefulness ***Day 18

***I am grateful for the words of a stranger. A lovely grandma sat across from me hand-stitching the finishing touches on a green Christmas jumper for a lucky little girl. We were at speech therapy; Jack on my lap, Ben in class, Jack and I were working on vowels and short letter sounds. Ben goes into speech therapy without us now. This has been a hard transition, only for me. Morgan takes Ben into a combined class where she can observe him with peers. I am all for his social interaction developing, however, I miss the constancy of watching her evaluate my boy. To be honest, I need some feedback. It is hard to hand my little boy over for 30 minutes, in this most vulnerable area. God says, 'rest child, he is never not in my hands.' This has provided focused time to have Jack in my lap and work more intently at his skill level. Around us, is the low hum of chatter of other mom's waiting for their child, Jack occassionally bursts out with "aaaaa" or "ooooo" a little too loudly when he has a verbal revelation. I meet eyes with the grandma several times and we smile at each other, charmed with a young learner's thrill of language. As our 30 minutes closes, the grandma puts down her needle, looks directly into my eyes and says with a beautiful New Orleans accent, "darling, you are a good mama." Tears rushed to my eyes and I blinked to hold them back, "wh-what..what did you say" I said, needing her to repeat it, yearning to hear it again. She did repeat it, this time she moved over to me with her hand on my shoulder, "honey, I can jist tell, You are a good mama." I thought immediately of what she had just observed, yes I had been working with my son, but my mind was many different places, I had been thinking about Ben and how he was doing in his class, I was letting myself be sad I couldn't be with him. I wasn't giving Jack my best. I thought of earlier in the morning, when I yelled at both boys because they were busy playing and not moving as fast as I thought they needed to. I thought of how Ben was trying to help me load the dishwasher that morning and I selfishly redirected him so that I could do it more quickly. I thought of how I put them in front of the tv so that I could take a shower and get ready for speech therapy. I thought of the look on Ben's face when he could tell I was frustrated with him for not putting his shoes on in time to go. I am always rushing that child. All these and more flashed through my mind, but she said....I leaned closer and confided, "I don't always know if I am a good mom." My comment was laden with emotion, with need...please tell me more, how do you know I am a good mom, what did you see, did you really see me? "Honey," she said, "let me tell you a little secret from a mama whose raised 4 kids, you are there. You are there. You are givin' God something to work with, child." "Here, give me a little hug." I hugged her tight. This grandma stranger poured into my life something I didn't see that I needed, perspective. In the car, on the ride home, I chewed on that. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am giving God something to work with by being home. All the blessings attached to that reality flooded me with overwhelming thanksgiving to God for the opporuntiy He has given me...

***I am grateful for the schedule God has developed in our home, I know my jobs, He gives me the motivation to make our home run smoothly, and it can run smoothly because I am home.

***I am grateful for my washer and dryer. I am grateful for Mrs. Myers dryer sheets. I am grateful for the triumph of freshly laundered clothes folded neatly in drawers.

***I am grateful that I get to make dinner, every night, for my family. I love to cook. I have all the creative control in my kitchen and I have budding chefs that love to help.

***I am grateful for seeing my time a little differently thanks to a stranger. Because I am home, I have opportunities each moment to pour into my husband, my children, my home itself.

***I am grateful that my selfishness has been pushed to the side burner today and I will look for opportunities to serve my family and thank God that I am home.